Free couples worksheet: Putting it on the table
Partners often offer each other more than they can actually follow through on. Not because they don’t care, but because energy runs low, they aren’t sure how, or other stresses get in the way. Then one or both of you ends up feeling let down. This worksheet helps you offer what’s realistic, ask for what matters, and plan for the times it doesn’t go to plan.
HOW IT WORKS
- 01Each of you names what you’d like to offer, and checks it against your real capacity
- 02Share what you’re hoping for, and what it would mean to you
- 03Agree on a few right-sized offers, and a kind way to check in when things slip
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01 · Before you start
Good intentions, real capacity.
Falling short of what you hoped to offer is very common. It usually says more about capacity, skills or circumstances than about how much you care. This exercise isn’t about keeping score. It’s about making offers you can both rely on.
A FEW GROUND RULES
Be specific. “Help more with bedtime” is hard to keep. “Do bath and stories on Tuesdays and Thursdays” is easier to follow through on, and to notice.
Be honest about capacity. A smaller offer you can keep builds more trust than a bigger one you can’t.
Stay curious. When something doesn’t happen, start with “what got in the way?” rather than “why don’t you care?”
02 · What I’d like to offer
Start with your intention, then check it.
Each partner fills in their own column. Choose one or two things you’d genuinely like to offer your partner.
What I’d like to offer you
What it looks like in real life: what, when and how often.
Capacity check
Honestly, how realistic is this for me right now, from 0 (not at all) to 10 (very)? What makes it that number?
What might get in the way
Tick what applies, then add detail.
PARTNER 1
PARTNER 2
Right-size it
If my capacity check was under 7, what’s a smaller version I could reliably offer for now? What would I need, from myself, my partner or elsewhere, to build toward the bigger version?
03 · What I’m hoping for
Put your hopes on the table too.
What I’m hoping to receive
Be as specific as you can. What would you see or hear?
What it would mean to me
Underneath the request, what would it help you feel? For example, supported, chosen, less alone or less stretched.
Where I can be flexible
Is there another way your partner could meet the same need, or a smaller version that would still mean a lot?
04 · What we’re putting on the table
A few offers you can both rely on.
Agree on one or two right-sized offers each. Planning exactly when and how you’ll do something makes it more likely to happen, so try an “if, then” plan: “When the kids are in bed on Sunday, I’ll sit down with you to look at the week.”
05 · When it doesn’t go to plan
Plan for the slips, kindly.
Some weeks, follow-through will slip. Deciding ahead of time how you’ll handle it makes it easier to repair rather than pull away.
IF YOU’RE FEELING LET DOWN, TRY
“I noticed ___ didn’t happen this week, and I felt ___. Can we look at what got in the way?”
AT YOUR CHECK-IN, ASK
What worked? What got in the way? Was the offer the right size? What would we like to adjust?
The “if, then” plans in section 04 are based on research on implementation intentions, which found that planning when, where and how you’ll act makes follow-through more likely (Gollwitzer, 1999, American Psychologist; Gollwitzer & Sheeran, 2006, Advances in Experimental Social Psychology). The focus on noticing slips and repairing draws on couples research on repair after conflict (Gottman, Coan, Carrère & Swanson, 1998, Journal of Marriage and the Family).
When good intentions keep getting lost, support can help.
If the same disappointments keep coming up, or it’s hard to talk about them without it turning into conflict, couples counselling can help you understand what’s getting in the way and rebuild trust in each other’s follow-through. You’re welcome to bring this worksheet to your first session.
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