Free premarital worksheet: Before we say I do: a shared expectations guide
Many disagreements in a marriage aren’t about love. They’re about things each partner assumed without ever saying out loud: money, chores, family, children, time together. This guide helps you each put those expectations into words, compare notes, and decide together what needs more conversation.
HOW IT WORKS
- 01Each of you answers on your own first, without comparing
- 02Then compare, one or two areas at a time, and mark where you stand
- 03Keep talking at home, or bring the bigger conversations to a session
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If a conversation with your partner ever feels unsafe, or you feel afraid of them, please set this guide aside and reach out for support. Alberta’s Family Violence Info Line is available any time at 310-1818. If you’re in danger, call 911. For mental health crisis support, call or text 988.
01 · Before you start
Set up a conversation, not a debate.
Differences are normal, and finding them now is the point. The goal is to understand each other, not to agree on everything.
HOW TO HAVE THESE TALKS
Answer separately first. Fill in your own column before you look at your partner’s.
Take turns. One of you speaks while the other listens, then sums up what they heard before replying.
Start gently. Try “I’ve been thinking about…” rather than “You always…”
Go slowly. One or two areas in a sitting is plenty.
Pause if it gets heated. Agree to take a break of at least 20 minutes, and set a time to come back to it.
02 · Everyday life
The expectations you’ll live with every day.
Communication & conflict
How were disagreements handled in the home I grew up in? When we disagree, do I tend to push, pull away or smooth things over? What helps me feel heard?
Money
How was money handled and talked about in my family? Do I picture our money as shared, separate or a mix? How do I feel about debt, saving and spending?
Roles & household
Who did what at home when I was growing up? How do I picture cooking, cleaning, bills, planning and the mental load being shared?
Time, friends & independence
How much time together and apart feels right to me? Which friendships and interests do I want to keep? How do I picture our evenings, weekends and holidays?
03 · The bigger picture
The conversations that shape your future.
Family of origin
What do I want to carry forward from my family, and what do I want to do differently? How involved do I expect our families to be in our lives, decisions and holidays?
Intimacy & affection
How do I like to give and receive affection? What are my hopes and expectations around sex? What feels hard for me to talk about here?
Children
Do I want children? If so, when, and how many? How would I want to parent and share caregiving? How might we cope if things don’t go as planned?
Values, faith & the future
What matters most to me in life? Are there faith, cultural or spiritual practices I want in our home? Where do I picture us in five or ten years, with work, where we live and what we’re building?
04 · Our repair plan
For when a conversation goes badly.
Every couple has hard conversations. What helps most is knowing how you’ll find your way back to each other.
05 · Where we’ve landed
Your next conversations.
This guide draws on the Prevention and Relationship Education Program (PREP; Markman, Stanley & Blumberg, Fighting for Your Marriage, 3rd ed., 2010), research on starting conversations gently and repairing after conflict (Gottman, Coan, Carrère & Swanson, 1998, Journal of Marriage and the Family), and work on making relationship decisions deliberately rather than sliding into them (Stanley, Rhoades & Markman, 2006, Family Relations). A review of relationship education programs found modest improvements in communication and relationship quality (Hawkins et al., 2008, Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology). This guide is not a compatibility test and can’t predict how a relationship will go.
These conversations can be easier with support.
If a few of these topics feel tender, or you keep circling back to the same disagreement, premarital counselling can help you both feel heard and find a way forward together. You’re welcome to bring this guide to your first session.
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