When a child melts down over a broken cookie or a teen slams their bedroom door, it’s natural to want to stop the big feelings as quickly as possible. Emotion coaching offers another way: using those moments to help children understand and manage their emotions.
What Is Emotion Coaching?
Emotion coaching is a parenting approach that treats children’s emotions as opportunities for connection and teaching. Research by John Gottman and colleagues found that parents who were aware of their children’s emotions and helped them name and work through those feelings had children who showed better emotional and social outcomes (Gottman et al., 1996).
Emotion coaching doesn’t mean accepting every behaviour. It means accepting the feeling while still setting limits on what children do with it.
The Steps of Emotion Coaching
In our own words, emotion coaching usually involves:
Noticing the emotion, especially at lower intensity, before it becomes a meltdown.
Seeing it as a chance to connect, rather than a problem to stop.
Listening with empathy and letting your child know their feeling makes sense.
Helping them name it: “It sounds like you’re really disappointed.”
Setting limits and problem-solving together: “It’s okay to be angry. It’s not okay to hit. What could you do instead?”
Why It Helps
When children feel understood, their nervous systems settle more easily. Over time, they learn that feelings are manageable and that they can talk about them. Programs built on emotion coaching have been shown to improve parents’ emotion coaching skills and reduce children’s behaviour problems (Havighurst et al., 2010).
Emotion Coaching at Different Ages
Young children need simple words, lots of co-regulation and help naming feelings.
School-age children can begin to problem-solve and think about what helps them calm down.
Teens often need more listening and less advice. Try, “That sounds really hard. Do you want help, or do you just want me to listen?”
Looking After Yourself Too
It’s hard to coach a child through big feelings when you’re overwhelmed yourself. Noticing your own reactions, taking a breath and repairing when things go wrong are all part of emotion coaching. You won’t get it right every time, and you don’t need to.
Learn more on our emotion coaching page.
When to Reach Out for Support
If your child’s emotions or behaviour feel hard to manage, or if family stress is high, parent coaching or family therapy can help you build skills and confidence.
References
Gottman, J. M., Katz, L. F., & Hooven, C. (1996). Parental meta-emotion philosophy and the emotional life of families: Theoretical models and preliminary data. Journal of Family Psychology, 10(3), 243-268.
Havighurst, S. S., Wilson, K. R., Harley, A. E., Prior, M. R., & Kehoe, C. (2010). Tuning in to Kids: Improving emotion socialization practices in parents of preschool children. Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry, 51(12), 1342-1350.
How Core Psychology Can Help
At Core Psychology, our clinicians offer parent support and coaching, child counselling and family therapy, in person in Marda Loop, Calgary, and online across Alberta.
We offer a complimentary 15-minute phone consultation to answer your questions and help you find the right fit. You can also reach us at info@corepsychology.com.
If you’re in crisis or thinking about suicide, call or text 988 any time, or call 911. Kids and teens can reach Kids Help Phone at 1-800-668-6868 or by texting CONNECT to 686868.
This article is for general information only and is not a substitute for professional assessment or therapy.
