Written by Tasha Chapman, MA, Registered Provisional Psychologist
Clinically reviewed by Lisa Thomson, Registered Psychologist · November 2026
In the words of Glennon Doyle, “I am always trying to figure out: am I crazy or am I sane, or am I good or am I bad?” (Doyle et al., 2024, 15:18).
Never have I related so hard.
For as long as I can remember, I have felt like I was standing slightly outside my own life, never really able to make sense of who I was. A good student, but constantly being startled out of some long, involved reverie that felt as meaningful as my actual life. Impossibly, painfully shy as a child, and an adult who finds it physically painful not to chat to anyone who makes eye contact. A hard worker who craved accolades and positive feedback, who was also almost never on time.
In the absence of a concrete understanding or sense of self, we have but one choice: to construct an impossible and unending list of rules and amendments and hacks to cover and counteract every possible contingency, knowing that tomorrow we may decide to burn it all down and disappear to Spain…again.
With time and practice, we have scaffolding. It’s most certainly not up to code, but if we have also implemented the GOAT of all masking techniques, a pleasing sense of humour, most people will ignore the duct tape holding our lives together and simply enjoy the ride.
So, what happens when this stops working?
We’ve hit our stride, we’ve refined our strategies to a damned art, and we have likely become extremely good at a handful of our 1 million passionate interests. We appear to be thriving. We have even convinced ourselves that we’ve turned a corner and are leaving behind the follies of our youth.
So why is everything suddenly impossible? The sleep we never used to need is suddenly paramount, an exercise routine is both necessary and out of the question, and please do not ask us where we put our water bottle. We don’t know. Why have things taken such a turn? The fear creeps in that we never really changed. That “spontaneous” 20-something is still alive and well. She never actually “grew up” and developed the techniques necessary for survival. When you have spent your life wondering how you can accomplish objectively impressive feats of athleticism or academics, and yet making a phone call feels like the 7th level of hell, believing that you have finally “figured it out” becomes as much a part of your identity as anything else. You overcame, you survived, you thrived. And suddenly, back to ground zero, back to chaos.
Researchers are only beginning to look closely at how ADHD and menopause interact. In one recent study of women aged 45 to 60, those with more ADHD symptoms reported more intense menopausal symptoms, and women in perimenopause reported the most psychosocial difficulties of any stage (Chapman et al., 2025). The hormonal fluctuations of perimenopause can further strain executive functioning that was already working hard, making everyday tasks feel astronomical, and less-than-ideal methods of self-care feel like the only options that actually work. This doesn’t mean that every struggle is secretly ADHD in a trench coat, but it does mean that we now have to rebuild our scaffolding with a completely new set of information and parameters. That’s a lot. Especially if, God help us all, we’ve decided to add kids to the mix.
Luckily, we are living in a time where all the information you could ever want or need is at your fingertips. We have courses and books and retreats and apps and yes, therapy. While digging ourselves out of yet another hole is possible (and honestly, a bit novel, which we love), for now, let’s just stay with the grief. We can get to work optimizing, strategizing, and staying mindful all the way through while also grieving. Grieving the struggles, grieving the exhaustion, grieving the life you might have had if your “quirks” had been understood earlier on…we can grieve this seemingly impossible process and do it anyway.
We’ve trained for this.
About the author: Tasha Chapman, MA, is a Registered Provisional Psychologist at Core Psychology. She offers warm, honest online therapy across Alberta for individuals and couples, including adults navigating ADHD, anxiety and life transitions.
References
Chapman, L., Gupta, K., Hunter, M. S., & Dommett, E. J. (2025). Examining the link between ADHD symptoms and menopausal experiences. Journal of Attention Disorders, 29(14), 1263-1277. https://doi.org/10.1177/10870547251355006
Doyle, G., Wambach, A., & Doyle, A. (Hosts). (2024, April 2). Inside an internal family systems (IFS) therapy session with Glennon & Richard C. Schwartz (No. 295) [Audio podcast episode]. In We Can Do Hard Things. Apple Podcasts
How Core Psychology Can Help
At Core Psychology, our clinicians offer ADHD counselling, perimenopause and menopause support and individual therapy, in person in Marda Loop, Calgary, and online across Alberta.
We offer a complimentary 15-minute phone consultation to answer your questions and help you find the right fit. You can also reach us at info@corepsychology.com.
If you’re in crisis or thinking about suicide, call or text 988 any time, or call 911.
This article is for general information only and is not a substitute for professional assessment or therapy.
