Have you ever wondered why you feel anxious when a partner doesn’t text back, or why you pull away when someone gets too close? Attachment theory offers one way of understanding these patterns, and how they connect to our earliest relationships.
Where Attachment Theory Comes From
Attachment theory was developed by psychiatrist John Bowlby, who proposed that children are born with a need to stay close to caregivers for safety and comfort (Bowlby, 1969/1982). Psychologist Mary Ainsworth later observed that children develop different patterns of attachment depending on how caregivers respond to them (Ainsworth et al., 1978).
Attachment in Adulthood
Researchers later found that adult romantic relationships draw on many of the same attachment processes (Hazan & Shaver, 1987). In adults, attachment is often described along two dimensions: anxiety about closeness and abandonment, and avoidance of closeness and dependence (Mikulincer & Shaver, 2016).
Secure: generally comfortable with closeness and independence, and able to ask for support.
Anxious: wanting closeness but worrying about rejection, and sometimes seeking a lot of reassurance.
Avoidant: valuing independence and feeling uncomfortable with too much closeness or dependence.
Fearful or disorganized: wanting closeness but also fearing it, often linked with painful or frightening early experiences.
These are tendencies, not fixed labels. Most people show a mix, and patterns can shift with different relationships and life experiences.
Why It Matters in Relationships
Attachment patterns can shape how we respond to conflict, distance and vulnerability. For example, when one partner seeks closeness and the other withdraws, both may be reacting to attachment fears. Understanding these patterns can help couples respond with more compassion. Our post on why some men are drawn to partners like their mothers explores how early relationships can shape attraction.
Can Attachment Patterns Change?
Yes. Safe, consistent relationships, including a therapeutic relationship, can help people develop more secure ways of relating. Researchers sometimes call this “earned security.” Self-awareness, reflection and practising new ways of responding all help.
When to Reach Out for Support
If you notice painful patterns repeating in your relationships, individual or couples therapy can help you understand where they come from and build more secure, satisfying connections.
References
Ainsworth, M. D. S., Blehar, M. C., Waters, E., & Wall, S. (1978). Patterns of attachment: A psychological study of the strange situation. Erlbaum.
Bowlby, J. (1982). Attachment and loss: Vol. 1. Attachment (2nd ed.). Basic Books. (Original work published 1969)
Hazan, C., & Shaver, P. (1987). Romantic love conceptualized as an attachment process. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 52(3), 511-524.
Mikulincer, M., & Shaver, P. R. (2016). Attachment in adulthood: Structure, dynamics, and change (2nd ed.). Guilford Press.
How Core Psychology Can Help
At Core Psychology, our clinicians offer couples therapy and individual therapy, in person in Marda Loop, Calgary, and online across Alberta.
We offer a complimentary 15-minute phone consultation to answer your questions and help you find the right fit. You can also reach us at info@corepsychology.com.
If you’re in crisis or thinking about suicide, call or text 988 any time, or call 911. If you’re experiencing family violence, call the Family Violence Info Line at 310-1818.
This article is for general information only and is not a substitute for professional assessment or therapy.
